


Sleepless nights

by Kimylovescake



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Phan Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:03:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9412910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimylovescake/pseuds/Kimylovescake
Summary: A short collection of short stories all told from Dan's point of view when he just can't fall asleep and lets his mind wonder.





	1. Another Sleepless night

Dan's point of view:

My eyes slowly flutter open. I shuffle over to my nightstand and check the time on my phone. **3:00am**. I don't feel tired.I probably won't fall asleep anytime soon. Great another sleepless night. Just me and my thoughts. This hasn't happened in a while. 

I felt Phil shuffle closer to me. **Phil.** My Phil. My stomach still gets in knots just thinking about him. Even after all these years he still manages to make me feel like a school girl with a hopeless crush on someone who will never acknowledge their existence - **but he did notice me.** We became best friend and more importantly, we became a family. I look at Phil. He looked so beautiful, asleep in my arms. If I could go back in time and tell myself I will be happy, I wouldn't believe myself. I would never believe I found someone who makes me feel happy, safe, loved. A smile spread across my face as I remember how I got him to notice me. The wonders of stalking.

 The Phangirls are right Phil and I did fall in love just not in the way they think. No fanfictions come close to the real story. Everyone makes it out to be a perfect romantic story, when in reality it was awkward scary, angsty story with more ups and downs than a roller coaster, but I would never change it for the world. 

Phil and I created an entire world together full of accomplishments from our small app to a worldwide tour. From a small one-line cameo in a movie to our own book. There's one accomplishment that can't be compared to the others- **us.**

Phil and I may have created an entire world together to share with our fans, but we also created a family for ourselves.


	2. Crisis

I felt Phil snuggle closer to me. 

I have been up for at least three hours. I've tried falling asleep but here I am, wide awake. I untangle myself from Phil and walk to the living room. I get into my sofa crease and put my laptop on my lap. I open up youtube and watch a couple of videos until I "somehow" end up on Phil's channels. How the years flew by. I swear just yesterday I was a nervous wreck meeting AmazingPhil at the train station. Next thing I know me and Phil will be married and with kids leaving for university. 

Am I ready for that? 

Marriage? Kids? For fuck sake's Phil's 29 almost 30 everyone his age is already married and with kids. But we're not even out yet- at least to the internet. And kids?

Would I even be a good dad?

Who would want a university dropout as a dad? I'm getting ahead of myself before me or Phil could think of marriage we would have to come out as a couple. 

Can we handle that?

Would our relationship survive that? It wouldn't be just me and Phil anymore, it would be me, Phil, and thousands of fans. What if we don't even make it to that? I wouldn't be able to live without Phil. 

I can't imagine a world without Phil, mainly because he is my world. 

But I don't want this to continue being a secret. I want to hold Phil's hand, give him kisses, take him on dates without worrying that we will be spotted. I want to let the whole world know that he is mine and I am his, but I'm scared. 

Scared I will lose Phil. There have been many other of youtube couples that seemed so completely perfect, yet have drifted apart. There's a certain pressure to being a youtube couple. Everyone of your fans wants to be involved, although they mean well, privacy can go out the window.

Then there are the cute youtube challenges that can be often forced upon a youtube couple. I'm sure if me and Phil weren't YouTubers we would already be married. 

Well if me and Phil weren't YouTubers, we would have never met. So much would be different if Youtube didn't exist, if Phil never uploaded a video, if I never created an account. My life is the way it is because of coincidence. So many other directions my life could have gone yet I got this one. Is it due to fate or did I choose this life? There many factors in my life that I couldn't control such as Phil actually liking me back or how other people would find me interesting enough to subscribe. 

"D-Dan?" I hear a quiet voice say, snapping me back to reality. I looked up from my laptop to see Phil in the doorway wrapped in our duvet. "Why are you up?" I asked Phil. "The bed got cold without you", Phil said sleepily approaching me. "Oh" was all I could manage to say. "Scoot over" Phil whispered. 

I moved over letting Phil cuddle me on the sofa. "Back when you were cute," Phil said wrapping us in the duvet. "What?" I asked confused. He pointed to my laptop which was playing Philisnotonfire 1. "Oi" I retorted. "What you were cute back then now you're gorgeous," He said then kissed my cheek. I felt my cheeks redden. "see?" Phil mumbled, "absolutely gorgeous". 

Soon his breaths evened out and I finally felt my eyelids become heavy.


	3. Out?

**You got to tell him.** No.   **At least let him know.**  I can't. **It's easy you just open your mouth and speak.**  I really can't do it and I don't think I really want it.   **Stop lying to yourself.** What if he doesn't want to?   **Then you have your answer.** Fine. 

I walk into the living room "P-Phil?" I stutter. **Stay calm.**  "Yes, Dan?" "We ne-need to t-talk" I  curse at myself for stuttering so much.  "Is everything okay, Dan?" He asked concerned.  "I th- think-Er-" I took a breath,  "I'm ready".   "Okay, for what?" He asked confused. "I want to come out. I want to tell everyone we are a couple" I look at Phil. _"If you don't want to we don't have to I just thought I would let you know that I was ready and I will wait until you are too. It completely fine if-_  " Phil stopped my rambling with a kiss.  "Are you sure?" Phil asked. I nodded, " I want to hold your hand in public and not worry if a fan will see us". Phil smiled almost imagining it." I just wanted to let you know that I was ready and if you aren't that's okay I can wait until you are " I said. "I'm ready," he said as he wrapped his arms around me. "I love you" I muttered into his chest. " I love you too" he replied. 

~Time Skip~    

The video goes up tomorrow. **You ready?**  Yes but... **But what?** What if everyone hates me? **Why would they do that?** 'Cause I'm dating Phil. **Your kidding right?** What do you mean? **People have literally been shipping you and Phil since 2009, you think anyone will hate you?** What about people who don't ship me and Phil? **Fuck them... Not literally.** I smile and see Phil standing in the corner staring at me. I froze. "Phil, how long have you standing there ?" I asked. "I think the real question is what are you doing up at 2:00 am, " he asked. "Pacing" I responded.  " Does 'pacing' include saying everything out loud". "Wait, what?" I panicked. "I could hear you down the hall. Dan, do you still want to post the video. If you don't want to " He said. I thought about it. 

Yes, I was nervous but hidden in all that nervousness was my excitement. I couldn't wait until that video was uploaded. I would still be the same person but I would be able to show everyone how beautiful my boyfriend is. I couldn't wait, we would be able to go on more dates as we wouldn't worry about being caught by a fan or making a lame excuse to cover up why we were really there. 

"I want to post it, I'm sorry I was just nervous" I finally responded. " Me too, bear, me too. Come on let's go to bed" Phil said extending his hand. I didn't realize how tired I was until my head hit the pillow. I wrapped my arms around Phil and dozed off.


	4. Out Pt.2

It’s a bit strange. I don’t feel different. I feel exactly the same as I did before the video came out, I don’t know why I feel like I should feel different. It’s not the first time I have come out. I came out to my parents but for some reason I expected this to be different. I expected fireworks, a parade or something. It does make me think why I didn’t do it sooner, why I was so scared, but things are not the way they were.  

Back then it wasn’t as accepted me and Phil could have been hurt, and although it’s not perfect it is better. Now people are more understanding. The responses wouldn’t have been the same.  **The responses.** So many positive, supporting comments. So many fans sharing their stories and of course, there were the not so positive comments but overall it was very positive. 

I didn’t know how nervous Phil was until the video was nearly up. He walked out of the room just before they video published. 

 

~Earlier~

 

“Sorry Dan” “It’s okay we still have time to stop the video from posting,” I said in what hoped was a soothing voice. “No I want the video to go up, I’m just nervous” he responded. “Okay is there anything specifically that you’re nervous about?” I asked.   “What if everything changes after this?” Phil said not meeting my eyes. “Changes how?” was all I could manage to say. “Just changes” he muttered. “ The only change I can think of is now the world will know how much I love you,” I said without thinking. 

“Dan, I’m serious. What if it’s too much? What if our relation-”

“I’m serious too. We can handle it. We handled a tour with most of our time spent in a vehicle, even though people were concerned with the toll that might have on our relationship. Our relationship has managed through the best and worst of times because I love you and I know you love me, and that is all that matters”  “Dan...” Phil said speechless.      

 

**Bing**

 

Me and Phil jumped.  _ The video.  _ Me and Phil stood over the computer. I didn’t know what to say but I tried anyways. “Phil, we don’t have to post the video now we can wait unti-” I stopped. Phil had already pressed upload. The video was up. People were watching it. We were out. “I’m sorry, but I wanted to. Dan, I love you and no one is going to stop me from showing it” Phil said as he smiled.  

 

~Present ~   

“Dan?” I heard Phil. “What?” I responded looking up from my laptop.  “Do you know what time it is?” He asked concerned.  I looked at the time on my laptop  **1:34 am** . “ Dan you haven't really slept these past two days aren’t you tired?” he asked. I've been so immersed in reading people's comments that I haven't realized how tired I was. “Dan,” Phil said. “Sorry I've just been reading the comments and guess I lost track of the time” I responded. 

   Me and Phil were in bed. “want to know something I just realized?” Phil said randomly. “what's that Phil?” I responded sleepily. “We don’t need to spend extra time editing because can stop editing things out of our videos,” He said. “Well, some things can be edited out” I winked at him causing both of us to burst into giggles. 


	5. First Date

I still remember the fear that coursed through my body. My whole body was so heavy and I couldn't move out of fear. This was supposed to be a fun night. _Where did it go wrong? What did we do? Could we have avoided this? Was this our fault?_

The only way to find out is to start from the beginning. I asked Phil on a date. It would be the first date we have had since we came out. I wanted it to be special, I wanted it to be perfect. I told him to put on the outfit that I bought him while I went to my room to put on my new outfit. It was a simple white suit with a black shirt, which was elegant enough for the restaurant we were going to.  

As soon as I was ready I went and knocked on Phil’s door. “Phil?” “Come in” He responded. I open the door and my jaw hit the floor. I swear my heart stopped and I had to remind myself to breathe. Phil looked stunning. It was just a simple black suit with a white shirt, but Phil looked beyond amazing.  “Y-you look stunning” I managed to say. “Thanks. You look amazing as well” He said blushing and staring at the floor. “So may I know where are we going that requires this outfit?” Phil asked. “Nope, that is a surprise” I responded taking his hand and leading him out the door.

I waved down a taxi and gave the driver a piece of paper with the address. “You're really not letting me know where we are going, are you,” Phil said. “That's the plan” I smiled at him.  We arrived at the restaurant in half an hour. “Woah, Dan. Isn’t this slightly too fancy for us?” he asked. “ Only the best for you, sunshine,” I said paying the taxi driver.

Inside we were ushered into a line to leave our coats before being seated. The lady took our coats and went to hand us a ticket but it fell to the floor. I let go of Phil's hand and picked it up. “Sorry, butterfingers,” I said hoping to make a joke and not make her feel bad for the ticket falling. I slipped the ticket into my pocket and interlace my hand with Phil’s hand. I must have imagined it but I swear she muttered something. I should have walked away. Left it alone, but I didn’t.

“I'm sorry?” I said. She had a scornful look but remained silent. I stood awkwardly unsure of what to do. “I'm sorry I didn't hear what you said,” I said in what I could only hope was a kind tone. “You don’t belong here,” she said.  What?

I let out a nervous chuckle, “Um, yeah, I guess we do look out of place, but it’s a special occasion so we thought we would treat ourselves” I responded trying to lighten up the darkening mood. “No your kind doesn’t belong here” she stated. “My ki-kind?” I stuttered. “Yeah your kind, f******”.

Me and Phil stood there paralyzed. We didn't know what to do. I wanted to yell at her, call her out on her homophobic slur, curl up in a ball and hid, and run far away all at the same time. Phil's hand tightened around mine. It felt like we were standing there for minutes but in reality, only a few seconds have passed.  “You know that’s not how to treat a customer” someone spoke out. “ And what? Freedom of speech. I have a right to express my opinion” She argued. “That’s true but you can at least treat them with the respect that human beings deserve” The stranger retorted. “Doesn’t matter I have a right to say what I want,” the lady said. “Your rights end where their rights begin, and because of closed-minded people like you, we don’t have many” The stranger declared. “Mr. Howell? Your table is ready” The poor waitress had no clue what she walked into.

The two began arguing and yelling at the top of their lungs. As things were about to escalate further security had to step in and took them both away for questioning. We were taken to our table but me and Phil remain silent for a while. We were still a bit shaken up out what happened. After a while Phil began talking about a random encounter he had with a weird stranger, although he had already told me about the encounter, I was more than grateful that we were no longer sitting in silence. I forced myself to join the conversation and soon it began to feel like a normal date. We laughed and joked about all the weird food on the menu.   

I have almost forgotten about the incident when a man walked to our table “Good evening gentlemen, my name is William Emerson, I’m the owner of this establishment” he said as he shook our hands.  “I wanted to personally apologize for the behavior of one of our workers and just let you know that we are not associated with her views, or her As as a matter of fact, and as compensation for the incident tonight’s dinner is on the house, please enjoy the rest of your evening” he said politely.

Phil let out a nervous chuckle “Thank you, we really appreciate it”.  As the man left the silence returned.  We didn't order dessert, we left early. We went to pick up our coats however the other lady was gone now there was a younger boy. We have him out the ticket but after 5 Minutes he came back and apologized “I'm sorry your coats are not there, I've looked to see if they were misplaced but they are nowhere to be found, I'm sorry I think the lady before me must have taken them”. We told him not to worry about it and left. Outside a woman in her 40’s approached us. “ Hello my name is Diane, I'm sorry for causing such a scene, but I I just can not stay silent when someone is being discriminated against. My wife and I get homophobic slurs often and we use to just take it,  but not anymore. Anyways I'm going on a tangent, I just wanted to apologize for causing a scene, I should not have let it escalate like that” she said politely and left. I order a taxi and we went home.

I sat on the couch mindlessly watching what was on tv.  “Dan?” I heard Phil say. I turned my head to face him. He smiled “finally I've been calling your name for hours” he exaggerated. “Really, hours?” I said. “Well more like five minutes but anyways what are watching? He said as he sat down next to me. “I don't know” I responded. “Really you seemed to be really into the show”. “ I guess” I muttered. “What’s wrong,”  Phil asked concerned. “Nothing” I stated. “Is it what happened today?” Phil asked. I said nothing. He knows me too well, I swear it’s like he can see right through me.  “It is, isn’t it? … Do you want to talk about it?” he asked concerned. I remained silent. “Well that’s what I came to talk about, is that okay? You don’t have to say anything but just listen to me, I need to get it off my chest” he stated. I said nothing but nodded my head.   


“ I’m sorry I said nothing...”    

_No Phil don’t apologize_

“I wanted to, but I was too scared...”

_So was I_

“I wanted to punch her and run away at the same time...”

_Me too, Phil_

“Then things escalated so quickly, I couldn’t help but blame myself for it all happening...”

That was it, my breaking point.

“Dan?”

I wanted to stop but couldn't.   

“Dan I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he said embracing me.

 

He held me and didn’t let go. His warmth wrapped around me gently and blanketed me with security. In his arms nothing, no one can hurt me. I felt at ease even if tears were still running down my face. I felt all the negative feeling draining and was being replaced with warmth and security.

When the tears finally stopped I lifted myself up. “Are you okay?” He asked worriedly. “ Yeah… I feel a lot better” I responded.  “Dan I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I should have waited until you were ready to talk about it, I-” I interrupted Phil “It’s fine Phil, I didn’t realize how much it was hurting me until you were talking about it,” I said. “Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked cautiously. “Yeah,” I said.

“Phil, what did we do?” I asked. “What do you mean? “I mean like what did we do that caused things to escalate like they did?” “I think it’s that we froze. We gave her the reaction she wanted. “ Could we have avoided this?” I said. “No, we couldn’t have known how she would have reacted. “ Was this our fault?” I asked.  “No, it will never be our fault.”

“What will we do if it happens again”  “We don’t let them make us feel afraid of who we are, we stand up for each other, It’s you and me against everyone else".

 

“Promise?” “Promise.”  

 


End file.
